My intentions were so lofty…one blog per week. I didn’t think that was such a big feat. I was wrong. Yes, I’ve been extremely busy. When one works on commission being busy is a good thing. I think my absence runs a little deeper than the calendar. I just don’t think I have much to say, which is why I didn’t start a blog before now. I learn stuff, I have events in my life that I need to process, I’ve done some cool stuff in the last few months…but surely no one cares to read my ramblings. This is the stuff that goes on inside my head. But it’s those thoughts that I think are showing me an even deeper answer; one that seems to resonate as Truth but I would rather not really go there. Sitting in church a couple of weeks ago, I began to realize how disconnect from community I’ve become. I love my church, but for various reasons, I don’t go much in the last several months. That’s ramblings for another day. I lead the Youth at my church, but once Bible Study is over, I usually leave. I miss the community; I miss interacting with my friends. When I do stay, I sit in the back by myself. I recognize this most starkly at church, but when I consider the rest of my life I seem to be doing the same in other places…work and even home. I’m there; I talk to people; I’m involved in social things…sometimes. A lot of the time, I’m just by myself. Even when I am with others I often just feel detached. I’ve been depressed before, but this isn’t depression. I think it’s what happens when you don’t nurture your soul. I pray, I write, I prepare Bible Studies; I have a regular morning devotional ritual…do you see it? I do. I do this, I do that. I do a lot of good things; even for other people. I can see that my morning ritual is habit; it’s a good habit. I’m not sure, though, that it is time spent really being still, just listening…being aware of my soul. One of the books I read every morning is Sarah Ban Breathnach’s, Simple Abundance; A Day Book of Comfort and Joy. I love this book; she’s awesome. On August 1, she quoted Amercian Buddist, Jack Kornfield saying. “We must make certain that our path is connected with our heart.” That feels right for me…I think I’ve been traveling without my heart. I guess you can do good things without your heart being engaged, but I’m realizing it is leaving me feeling empty…and lazy…without vision…without passion. So, I’m making efforts to do some things differently. Changing routines, making dates with myself to do things I love (I got this brilliant idea from Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way), but mostly trying to just be still and quiet. This is hard right now, but at least I’m aware and hopefully making baby steps. It’s good to be here and writing today.
2 comments:
Good to see you back. I can identify with the lack of social contact aspects in your post. This is something that I'm addressing, now that I've realised my habit of rushing off after church, meetings etc.
Regading 'being still' - well my blogname says it all. I am endlessly restless - both in my desire to always be doing soemthing, and even more so - in my desire to change and develop things. To balance this though, I have developed other interests - I'm a keen gardener, which brings times of quiet reflection, and also I have to accept that much of gardening is patiently waiting
Now I'm rambling ...
hey there kj - good to see you back posting your thoughts. i thought the margarita communions may have gotten too you. ;)
There is a really good book by neil clark warren titled "Finding Contentment". it was helpful to me during a time in my life.
it is frustrating when your heart isn't into what you do. been there done that - changed jobs 5 times in 3 years until i found something i could live with. don't think its my passion, but i like what i do overall and it allows me time to do other things i love as well.
for me its about balance.
glad your back.
~npp
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