May I have this Dance please?

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

It's March Madness , baby! The Big Dance! It all starts today...in 2 hours and 15 minutes. I love college basketball, so this is my favorite time of year. It's almost better than Christmas. And this year my Baylor Bears made the tourney! Those guys have had a long, road the last few years and they've come back! I always play a little bracket challenge with some buddies. It's fun to see how many picks you can lose during the first 2 rounds! Overall, I've picked the University of North Carolina to win the whole thing. If you need me over the next 3 weekends, I'll be right in front of the TV watching non-stop basketball!

Arggh.

I can't seem to find much time to write these days and that frustrates me. So, here's a couple of blurbs about my retreat last month. The lovely picture of the iris is beautiful enough to just share, but it's also a little shout out to my blogger friend, Endlessly Restless. He often posts his wonderful photograhy. In my last post I mentioned the Stations of The Cross at the retreat center where I stayed. Each of the 14 crosses had iris planted around them. Only one bulb was blooming a month ago. I'm sure by now the bulbs are in full bloom; it must be stunning.

The other photograph is my own art work. I know it looks like a 4 year old did it, but...it's mine! It reflects this "excavation" work I've been doing. And work that I hope I will always do. There are so many layers to the story of my life. Every layer is filled goodness...treasures...gold nuggests to be found. The recognition of many of these don't necessarily require mining. I guess I'm aware enough to recognize some blessings as they occur! Others, though, have required some work; a different perspective; hind-sight. Either way, it is evidence of God's presence.

I'm back!

Hello friends! I've actually been back for about a week. Life has just been a little hectic. My retreat was wonderful. I had 3 full days of being totally off the grid. After about 27 hours I began to feel pretty restless for awhile and wondered if I would make it another 48 hours! I was also fasting. So, I was having withdrawals and hunrgy at the same time! It made it though. It was an amazing experience to having silence, total silence, for such an extended time. It's amazing what you see and hear when you turn everything off. Did you know that trees "creak" when the wind blows? Who knew?!

The retreat center was gorgeous. The picture is of the labyrinth there. I walked it everyday. I had a mixture of beautful sunshine with cool winds, and rain on one day. I loved it all. In the days to come, I will tell you more about what I did, learned and discovered. For today, you can go to this link: http://thecorner.typepad.com/journeylent/2008/02/forgiveness.html

My faith community has a blog for Lent and today was my turn to post.

Enjoy!

Questions

I turned 39 last October, so I’m in the middle of my 40th year…as my blogger friend, npp (http://nonprofitprophet.blogspot.com/), was so kind to remind me of recently. Forty years is mentioned in the Bible quite bit. Most notably by Israelites wandering (for 40 years) and Jesus fighting with the devil. Neat.


I’m intrigued by questions right now. For a few years now, I’ve been reading Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach. I love this book. It’s a daily devotional book. Every time I read it, the entry for each day is new to me. She begins the year by asking questions. Until now, these parts of the daily entries didn’t catch my attention. They are this time. She poses questions like: “What do you need to be truly happy?” “What truly matters to you when no one is watching?” “If one year from now you could be living the most fulfilling, creative, joyous life you could imagine, what would it be? And what would have to change in you for that to happen?” What is the sadness in your heart that you cannot name?” What do you truly believe about yourself as a woman, wife, daughter, employee…?”


I find myself, today, wanting to answer these questions more deeply than what is really comfortable. Answering most questions like this require one more question for me, “Why?” And then asking again, “Why?” I can make changes: change what I’m doing or how I’m doing it, start something, or stop something. Yet, I feel restless to go beyond “just doing something different." I’m drawn to really look at my beliefs about myself. “What is it I truly believe about the girl in the mirror?” I’m a pretty well put-together person, I’m funny, I make good impressions, I’m generally nice…all those things are genuine. Yet, I’ve always struggled to…well, put on a show. I’m a singer…I like an audience and I’ve learned to handle a crowd well. That performance seeking, though, spilled over into all parts of my life years and years ago. I’ve been to plenty of groups and plenty of therapists. I’m much better than I used to be. Yet, I still know that I would much rather present someone who is happy and has their shit together, than one who struggles and cries. The bigger problem, though, is that I get caught up in my own story sometimes and forget to even be honest with myself. It’s not intentional…it’s just unconscious. Living life on auto-pilot. This is not a good thing for me. Life has given many wonderful blessings over the last few years and I’m so grateful. But the other truth is that life has been really, really hard and painful. There are things to grieve. I learned from losing my father that grief is a process. For awhile, the shock of his passing helped me just do day to day life. Then one day, that shock began to wear off and I began to feel the reality of that loss. Perhaps it is no different with the rest of my life. Perhaps, I am beginning to awaken. This is good. I am truly thankful for this place I’m in that is hard. And it seems hard at times to even name or define. I’ve come to believe that struggles and pain have purpose and it is good. Not that God places those things in my life to teach me something…that’s bullshit. God is just present and nothing is an accident.


For a few months I’ve been wanting to go away for retreat…all by myself. Between schedules and procrastination it just hasn’t happened….until now. I leave in exactly 6 days. I cannot wait. I can hardly contain my excitement! No computer, no phone, no TV, no one…just me, my questions, a mirror and God.

TJ is going to college!

For over a month, TJ has been bombarded by colleges who are interested in him for football. Almost daily, he gets a call from someone that says, “We really want you.” How cool is that?! It would make anyone feel good, but it certainly does to an 18 year old young man! It’s been fun for all of us. Last week, he visited a little Franciscan founded Catholic school in Illinois. One of his teammates and a coach made the trip together. He had a blast. He met all the coaches, a few players, went to a basketball game, and was treated to a big ‘ole steak dinner. They made him a great offer; about 95%. This private school’s yearly tuition is about $28, 000. We’re pretty happy about 95% scholarship! We talked all weekend and Monday night had a long talk with the coach that traveled with him. Yesterday he made a verbal commitment to be a Quincy University Hawk! (http://www.quincy.edu/) He is so excited! I have a ton of mixed feelings. I’m absolutely excited for him. I’m realizing that the clock is ticking on his time left at home. August 5 will be here before we know it. And he'll be 851.07 miles away...according to Mapquest. Ugh...I was really hoping for a Texas school.

I'm also immensely proud of him. He has worked so hard at school and yesterday he brought home his sememster report card...all A's except for one 88. This is the 1st time ever for so many A's. It's always been a mix of B's an C's with an occassional A. We are receiving many letters of recommendation from teachers and coaches. I cry each time a read a letter. His teachers love him and clearly have much respect for him. Four or five years ago, this was definitely NOT the case...barely passsing any class, always in trouble for fighting, teachers did not even want him in their class. Over the last four years he has completley tranformed. It's amazing and I'm deeply humbled. Inviting him to live with us was one of those things we KNEW God was asking us to do and we KNEW we just had to say yes. I'll take no credit for all this young man has become and is becoming. It is God; it is the power of love. I'm humbled, honored and just so grateful to be right in the middle of this. I hope I live a long, long life experiencing the many blessings that are to come. Yet, this may be one of the greatest things I've ever done or been a part of. Wow.

New Year's Camping

I'm finally getting back to a normal "before Christmas" routine. I love Christmas, travelling, seeing my family...but it has a life of it's own. It's fun for awhile, but I'm feeling more settled now that everyday life is back to it's usual pattern. I'm still catching up on stuff...like downloading tons of pictures from the holidays. I thought I would share a little family outing with you.

We decided it would be fun to go camping during the holidays. Great idea. We all love to camp; TJ loves to fish. We finally got our act together and decided to go on New Year's Eve. What a fun way to spend NYE', right? None of us are wild and crazy party people, so this was a good fit for us. So myself, my husband, TJ and his girlfrind went to Inks Lake State Park. A really beautiful park in the Hill Country on the banks of the Colorado River. However...it was going to be below freezing that night. We knew this and went anyway. I dont' know why. I'm a native Texan; I don't do cold very well. I love camping, but I probably won't go in January again! By 9:30 that night, my little toes were numb...for real. Nevertheless, we had a good time. We roasted marshmallows, fished and stared at the stars. For me, few things are better than star gazing far, far away from city lights. We also watched scary movies...in pitch dark. Pretty fun! We survived the night, barely, and woke to a gorgeous morning. The park has beautiful trails along the river and we took advantage of those before heading home.

Though I was miserably cold at times, it was time well spent as a family. I'm mindful of taking advantage these times before TJ leaves for college. The clock is ticking on the time he has left here. Those are thoughts for another day, though. Great way to start 2008!

Happy New Year

Life has seasons; or at least I think there are in my life. For the past couple of months or so, I seem to be in a place that…it’s been hard to describe. I’m not particularly motivated towards anything; generally low-key emotionally but easily frustrated and impatient, introspective but no action taken from my discoveries…ugh…like I said, hard to describe. Kind of stuck, I suppose. There are many things I enjoy, I laugh, have fun, throw parties…yet somehow disconnected.

I had lunch with a friend just before Christmas. She talked of her “seasons.” I heard of this idea before, but never really looked at my own life. If I take a look at my life over 39 years, I can see a pattern of big life events that happen during the last few months of the year. My father’s death, the downfall of my first marriage, career changes (or lay-offs), my parents divorce…to name a few. But there have been good things as well: my father’s wedding to his 2nd wife, my graduation from Baylor, getting engaged. A therapist I see from time to time talks of how the body holds memories. So..."What memories does my body remember during this time of year?" This idea intrigues me. And yet, I wonder that my current “state” is the result of work being extremely slow. I’m a total commission sales person. So, it’s a scary, frustrating and boring time. I’m also dealing with some really hard work in my marriage. One that continues to remind me the chaotic home I grew up in. Just those two things are pretty big. It makes sense that those situations alone would be enough to make an introvert crawl into her shell. So…is it choice A or choice B? Or choice C…all of the above? I've always hated multiple choice questions. I guess I want reasons or answers…so I can fix this and move on. It’s frustrating. Intellectually, I know that down times have their purpose. It’s sometimes just hard to accept. Nature has its seasons. Autumn and Winter are necessary. Stillness and dormancy have their purpose. I feel drawn to explore this time; yet I draw in very close to myself. Which, I suppose, it why I haven’t been blogging.

Not a very upbeat New Year’s message! But I’ve missed writing; I'mmaking myself sit and write today! Everyone is gone today and my home is quiet for the 1st time in a month; makes it easier to do some things that are just for me. Thanks for listening.